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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25111585">The Deluxe War Baby</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TartCherryScones/pseuds/TartCherryScones'>TartCherryScones</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:48:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,002</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25111585</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TartCherryScones/pseuds/TartCherryScones</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A Proper Adult transmigrates into her videogame and has a great time while saving the world. I’m lying! It sucks and she is bad at everything. Come laugh at her with me!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Deluxe War Baby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957168">The Path of Least Resistance</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huinari/pseuds/Huinari">Huinari</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by Huinari's fanfiction, "Path of Least Resistance." Named for the song by Burning Airlines.</p>
<p>This chapter is named for the incredibly stupid pop song by Dream. If you can listen to that song all the way through without hating yourself for being stupid enough to listen to it all the way through, you win at life. This story is probably like that.</p>
<p>When I was playing this game, I was like, “I want to live in this world!” And then I was like, “Bitch, you don’t know how to swordfight, so you would be embarrassed in front of some very pretty people and also die.” And then I was like, “Hahaha! *finger gun* True!” So I wrote this.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is a truth universally acknowledged that, when there is a happy protagonist in possession of a story, she must be in want of a calamity. Thus, the curtain rises.</p>
<p>It is a starry, peaceful, and relatively warm evening in December in central Texas. As a frugal individual, the protagonist of this story had decided not to spend money heating her apartment when there wasn't any risk of a freeze. Therefore, her rooms were chill, but, with her old dog at her side and swaddled as she was in fleecy pjs, a fuzzy A&amp;M robe, fluffy fox socks, and a snug wool nightcap, the woman who dwelt within was quite toasty.</p>
<p>At this moment, the protagonist stood in her kitchen. In her ears were headphones playing Crash Course World History, which was an educational program, and thus was a splendidly responsible choice for evening entertainment.</p>
<p>With plate in hand, she furrowed her brow and looked wistfully at the jar of pickled jalapenos. She was torn.</p>
<p>"Hmm... I want to eat more jalapenos, but, if I do, I'll feel it coming out the other end."</p>
<p>Ultimately, she sighed, put the jar back in the fridge, and grabbed another hunk of chocolate and a few more slices of cheddar. It was the responsible choice. As a proper adult, she was well versed in making responsible decisions. In fact, she made them all the time.</p>
<p>Even when she was playing video games, she chose the responsible dialogue choices. For instance, in every play through of Dragon Age Inquisition, she always sided with the mages, because they were refugees. And, in the Sims 3, she made certain that parent characters talked to their children characters at least once a day, to keep familial bonds strong. And, in every Pokemon game she had ever played, she made sure to level every Pokemon captured equally, so that none of them ever felt neglected. She was just that dedicated to doing what was right. Therefore, for everything that followed, for every hardship she would face, and for every difficulty she brought to others, she could be absolved somewhat, as she was truly trying her best, which is the most anyone can do. The end of the world can be caused by the best of us.</p>
<p>Having finished her dinner of pickled jalapenos on tortilla chips, homemade chocolate bark, strawberries, cheddar cheese, toasted rosemary bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, green tea, milk, and blue raspberry vodka, the heroine licked her fingers and put her dishes in the dish washer. Then, she took a vitamin and washed her greasy hands, like an adult.</p>
<p>"Time to slaughter some cannon fodder," the woman said to herself as she dried her hands on a kitchen towel and turned to retrieve her Nintendo 3DS from her bedside table. With game system in hand, she induced her phone, which was connected to her headphones, to play "Russian" by Caravan Palace, a band which was an exemplary source of battle music for cutsie games such as Bravely Default, Rune Factory 4, Paper Mario, and similar. Her thirty-something years on this earth had enabled this protagonist to develop an elevated taste in such things. </p>
<p>The old dog, who did have a proper name, but who was mostly called, "Bud," preceded the protagonist onto the bed and settled in for the night, emitting only a single, albeit powerful, fart once he'd gotten comfortable. The protagonist merely held her breath and waited for the passed gas to pass. For her part, our heroine slipped her phone back in the pocket of her robe, wiggled gracefully onto her bed, flipped open the Nintendo, turned on said system, and selected her doom.</p>
<p>She couldn't really be blamed. She made her decision based on the available evidence and she did so to the best of her ability. She also gave it a lot of thought, all things considered. Let's listen in on her thought process, shall we?</p>
<p>"Okay, time for a 'hard' run. 'Classic,' of course. But does it really count if I'm always resetting? Who cares?" </p>
<p>Alright, maybe she didn't think everything through, but still-!</p>
<p>"She should be short, because that's cute. I like short girls. Wait, no, she should be tall, because she's gonna need to be imposing. No, short. Ha! Mickey Mouse buns. So cute! I would never wear such a ridiculous style. Pretty butterfly. Rose? No, butterfly. What color was her dad's hair?" </p>
<p>She googled it, because she had such a keen eye for detail, as any fine young woman would. </p>
<p>"Hm. Is that blue or teal? Maybe a dark teal. Dark blue? None of these colors look right. Maybe the picture is too dark." </p>
<p>Then, she proceeded to flick through the colors for -ten solid minutes-. </p>
<p>"Well, her mom has black hair. Oh, but the black option isn't the same shade of black, is it? What to do? Her sister has blue hair, right?"</p>
<p>Googled that next.</p>
<p>"It's blue with red tips. Ugh. That is not pretty. What is that called? 'Ombre' or something. What a weird dye job. Never mind clashing with your clothes, that hair clashes with itself. Not to be judgy or anything, but I’m totally judging you right now, lady. Let's show her how to take pride in natural hair, Corrin. Blue it is. Yeah! There are those shared genes!" </p>
<p>She shook her head at the default Corrin's white hair. As a biologist, the protagonist took genetics very seriously. Every biologist knows that you can't get a white-haired baby from a blue-haired father and a black-haired mother. The blue hair gene is completely dominant over all other hair color genes in the Fire Emblem world's gene pool. Maybe both of Corrin's parents had some recessive allele for albinism, which would explain her red eyes, but having trouble with the sun would make it hard for Corrin to lead an army. </p>
<p>The protagonist sighed and shook her head. She couldn't do that to Corrin; the poor puppy had enough troubles without being at an increased risk of developing skin cancer and cataracts in a world without sunscreen. Logic prevailed.</p>
<p>"Mature face, I guess. No, baby face. No, mature face. That open mouthed one looks stupid. How is that 'stern?' She looks like she's got brain damage. Or is that her o-face? Jesus! Permanent o-face. What a painful disability. Her life would be easier if she were an amputee. Is there a single person in the world who would pick that face? Those two look like they're glaring. Mature face then. Looking older might lend her an air of authority. That way people won't balk at following a shut-in who's never lead so much a dog on a leash before."</p>
<p>Obviously, the protagonist really did want what was best for the little pixel girl.</p>
<p>"And a mole, because her mom has a mole." Genetics!</p>
<p>She worried briefly that her blue haired avatar might be unrealistic.</p>
<p>"But under the eye, because it'd be weird if it were in the exact same place."</p>
<p>She glared sagely at the mole by Corrin's mouth before selecting the mole under the eye.</p>
<p>"Don't care about the voice. Not like I'm going to be playing with the sound on. A.O.K! And she should have a kick ass name, but it needs to be something that provides a good nickname, too. Victoria? No, 'Vicki' sounds stupid. Integra. Judica. Is that a real name?" She googled it. "Hm... Not really... Abelia was hard core. Abelia. I like the sound of that. She made children into slaves in that one anime, though. Amelia? Amelia Earhart. Ami? No. Nike? Eos? Eos, bringing in the dawn. That's symbolic, but it's too short. Boudica? Boudicca? Bodicea? Boudica! Booty! Yes, your nickname will mean 'ass!' Hahaha!" </p>
<p>She laughed to herself at this toilet joke, but with an adult air.</p>
<p>"Booty!" she said aloud and sniggered. Maturely. Then she continued thinking to herself.</p>
<p>"Halloween is your birthday. Clever... Fragile... DRAGON! Heh. A dragon riding a dragon. Like putting a Chihuahua on a Great Dane. Yes, 'Dragon' is the way to go. Sure, sure. Whatever, Nintendo. Save!" </p>
<p>And that was the last button she would ever mash.</p>
<p>Sure, they weren't very deep thoughts, but they were undeniably thoughts and a lot of them. This kind of thinking is characteristic of all adults, after all, so this was a very adult thing to do.</p>
<p>And then, between one blink and the next, our lucky protagonist had found her very own calamity, especially crafted to bring her and the people she cared about suffering, grief, death, and, if they work hard and get lucky, that most precious of gifts: character development.</p>
<p>This calamity was fittingly distressing. It made the protagonist positively brown her smalls. It was a transmigration into a violent videogame. What joy!</p>
<p>"Where am I? Oh, my God. Who the fuck are these people? Oh, my God! Is that a flying fucking horse?" </p>
<p>The protagonist kept on having thoughts. And maybe those weren't very deep thoughts either, but they were serious thoughts that came from a mature brain that was only slightly sloshed. Mostly they were wordless fears of death and pain, but she can be forgiven for being simple at such a juncture. Believe me, her keen scientific mind would have wagged its finger at the flying horse for being impossible, but everyone gets preoccupied sometimes. So, she panicked, but like an adult.</p>
<p>"Come on, Corrin! We've got work to do!" Shouted a voice beside the protagonist, but the protagonist couldn’t pay attention to that, because of the axeman.</p>
<p>"Oh, my God! That man has a big axe! Why is he looking at me like that?"</p>
<p>The protagonist proceeded to be hit in the shoulder by a malevolent axeman brandishing a very malevolent-looking axe. If you look closely, you can see that there was a lot of blood. Exciting, isn’t it?</p>
<p>"Augh!" The axe-wielding manic screamed as he ran at the protagonist.</p>
<p>“AUGH!” The protagonist screamed.</p>
<p>“WRAUGH!” The assailant screamed as his axe sliced into the protagonist’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” The protagonist screamed as she was cut like so much beef.</p>
<p>Just then, a redhead repelled the axeman and turned to the protagonist.</p>
<p>"Corrin, what's the matter with you? You seem distracted... If you're worried don't be. All your siblings are with you! The Nohrians don't stand a chance!" Said the person beside her.</p>
<p>"Don't worry? He stabbed me with an axe! I think I'm gonna die! I need an ambulance!"</p>
<p>"Ready to attack?" The girl asked.</p>
<p>"What?! No, call an ambulance! Call the police!" The protagonist begged.</p>
<p>Nobody moved or reacted in any way. After a moment of stunned disbelief and seeing no other alternative, the protagonist ran towards the river. Axe guy chased after her. He hit her again. There was more blood this time.</p>
<p>"Augh! Stop! Please!" The woman cried. However, without her intent or permission, her body auto countered the hit. The axeman fell over, stone dead, in a puddle of blood and limbs.</p>
<p>"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I just killed a guy! Oh, my God, I'm bleeding to death! I'm gonna die!"</p>
<p>"Don’t worry sister, I'll heal you!" A squeaky voice called. The protagonist recognized the speaker this time; it was Elise. That was the point at which she realized that she had transmigrated. Contrary to the protagonist’s expectations, however, Elise did not heal the protagonist, because the protagonist was out of range. Instead, she just stood there staring at the protagonist with a concerned look on her cherubic face.</p>
<p>"Well?" The protagonist asked.</p>
<p>Fun fact for those of you playing along at home: During the first tutorial battle, if, instead of attacking the enemy, the avatar is directed to run as far to the left as possible during their turn, then the player character will be out of range for the healer NPC, who will, never the less, insist that she is going to heal the PC. Isn’t that hilarious?</p>
<p>The protagonist started to cry.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>True Fact About the Author: I name all my female lead characters in video games, “Boudica,” because it’s a badass name that I relentlessly subvert by constantly referring to them as, “Booty.” I like to think it would annoy them.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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